How Avoiding Other People Means Rejecting Ourselves

What Avoiding Other People Means to Us

When we are avoiding other people or dealing with a situation, we are really saying no to the hard things that are coming up within ourselves when dealing with that situation. *Whether we are conscious of these hard feelings or not.* This is really unfortunate because those hard feelings can be a great opportunity for us to understand those parts of ourselves. What’s really going on? Why does this suck so much? How do I make peace and embrace this part of myself? Or how do I grieve this pain I’m feeling?

There may not be any obvious, tangible consequences when we just let time gloss over the things we avoid. However, the true consequence lies in rejecting and burying pieces of who we are. When we reject & bury hard feelings that come up by avoiding hard situations, it’s hard for us to live from a place of truly being ourselves. Similarly, it’s also difficult to let others know who we are as well. In other words, we’re not really giving people we care about the chance to love us as a whole – just the fragmented parts we choose to engage with.

So…where does the avoidance strategy come from?

People who choose avoidance as a strategy when the hard stuff comes up are often acting from a pattern they developed waaaaay back when they were an infant. Adult avoiders were typically parented by people who were dismissing of emotional attachment in their own relationships. These parents would often normalize all experiences as being “excellent, or normal” without supporting those statements with concrete experiences/evidence. In some cases, they would state contradictory support of these “normalizing” statements.

When talking about emotions or attachment, these parents would tend to be brief and only highlight the “normal or good,” not attending to the bad. When caregivers do this over time, the child learns to have a non-emotional attachment to their parent. Consequently, the child doesn’t distress when their parents leave and don’t attach to them to meet their emotional needs. These children will often turn to toys or the environment to preoccupy their time and seek enjoyment.

Avoidance Carries Over

When the avoidant child becomes an adult, this translates into struggling to develop deeper emotional (and at times physical) intimacy with a partner. Similarly, it makes it difficult to let yourself be really seen by others for both the good and bad parts. Adult avoiders often unintentionally become dismissive of their own and others negative emotional experiences. These adult avoiders can even seem like the “happy-go-lucky” people who are always happy. However, they somehow hardly ever show anger or sadness when hard things happen. In the end, adult avoiders often don’t give others the gift of authenticity and full acceptance… they also don’t give themselves that gift either. Essentially, they reject all unpleasant parts and build their lives on only the positive or neutral pieces.

A Healthy Balance

Many of us struggle with avoidance from time-to-time, and temporary avoidance can be a healthy thing. For example, it’s okay when we are overwhelmed and need time and space to process through complex emotions. However, if that avoiding other people or situations becomes a long-term strategy and our go-to for any of the hard stuff, we may want to start questioning why it is so difficult for us to face the hard stuff and even consider working with a professional to do so.

Because at the end of the day, living a full, authentic and healthy life that also fosters intimacy and connection with those we love means facing ourselves, facing others, and embracing the good and bad of us all. ❤

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